| I really need to use this journal more... |
[Jul. 31st, 2007|12:20 am] |
I'm very excited about being approached to be a part of a writer's support group and thought that I would share some thoughts about it, and writing in general.
While I've always been involved in creative endeavors, being a musician since I was 5, writing is something that, until recently, I've always been a bit more secretive about. When I finally decided to share some of my ideas, however, they were met not only with positive feedback, but also a job offer. And as a result, I've had the distinct priviledge of getting paid to write for the past year or so. It is something that I derive a great deal of enjoyment from and has truly been a dream job.
Prior to this job opportunity, I was writing a lot of fiction, none of it very good but all of it a learning process. It is something that I really want to get better at and yet, I think that, more than anything else, my inhibitions hold me back from being the writer that I know I can be. At first, grammar was my biggest hurdle. I didn't want to come off sounding like an uneducated clod. And while it still isn't perfect by any means, I feel that I've made progress, thanks in part to the wonderful editor that I work with (who would probably axe many of the commas in this entry.) Now, my biggest hurdle seems to be not convinving myself that my ideas are stupid and shallow. I tend to start out enthusiastically with an idea, only to start second-guessing myself along the way. This has led to numerous unfinished ideas and it has been frustrating. I still don't feel that I have found a voice to call my own and am not even sure which genre speaks to me. I suppose these are all quite normal for a novice writer, of which I consider myself. I really hope that this group can be a launching pad for better things to come and help me find that voice that I am desperately seeking. |
|
|
| Bouncing back |
[Jun. 2nd, 2007|04:43 pm] |
Well, we've gone through the denial and anger and all that good stuff and moved on to acceptance and looking towards the future. Thursday afternoon, the day he got fired, we opted for a nice drive along the coast from Dana Point to Long Beach (where I was playing a gig that night.) We stopped at a place that all my East Coast friends have been raving about due to their authentic pizza. The place is in Huntington Beach and called "Rocco's" and I must say, it is the closest thing to NY pizza I have ever found in California. Absolutely delicious. After that, we took a stroll through historical downtown Seal Beach and it was lovely.By the time we got home, we both were feeling much better, dare I say, optimistic even.
That ocean air sure works wonders sometimes. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2007|01:54 am] |
Today wasn't a good day. Matthew was fired from his job, all of it because a disgruntled employee that was recently fired notified the store manager that Matthew had witnessed her doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing OVER A YEAR AGO and he didn't report her. The reason Matthew didn't report her? Because she was a single mom who was having trouble getting her life together. He knew if he reported her, she would be fired, and although he reprimanded her at the time, he still covered for her. So when she gets fired a year later, she reports Matthew because she thinks he had something to do with her getting fired (He didn't) and the store manager was forced to investigate. She didn't think it was that big a deal but she had to report it to corporate headquarters and they determined that he needed to be fired for it.
And the worst part? A month ago he won the Employee of the Year award. He won the employee of the month award three times last year. He's never been late, took one sick day in the entire two years he has been there and helped the store manager win the manager of the year award because their store was so well run. He was an outstanding employee and the store manager told him a couple of days ago that losing him would be like losing both her arms. She tried to fight corporate but the wouldn't budge.
Today, I am so sad for him, although he is trying his best to be optimistic. He absolutely adored his job and the people he worked for. Sure, he will find something else. Heck, he might even make more money. The store manager said she would give him a great recommendation. But it still isn't fair. In fact, it is stupid. They threw away a great employee because he made one mistake a year ago and was honest when asked about it. Unbelievable. Tomorrow he starts putting out resumes and already has a list of places he would like to work at. I'm impressed at his tenacity, even though I know this is absolutely killing him inside.
Think positive thoughts for him as he goes out and tries to pick up the pieces. We need some positive vibes here. |
|
|
| Howdy |
[May. 20th, 2007|10:06 pm] |
Well, after a few reminders that I have this thing, I think I'll try to do a better job of posting in it.
I'm still conquering the bronchitis from hell. I feel better, to be sure, but I also feel like I fought a small war. I just have no energy.
On the bright side though, I've cut my smoking down drastically and am working on quitting entirely. I've also tried to reign in my junk food habits and Matthew and I have vowed to seriously cut down our intake of processed foods. What spurned this on, you might ask? Well, for one thing, when I went to see the doctor this week, it was my first doctor's visit in many years. I have a morbid fear of doctors and have kept my distance, assuming that the first one who crossed my path would tell me that it's a miracle I'm still alive.
Then I met this truly wonderful doctor, a sweet gentle man who was very reassurring and made me feel at ease, something I never would have expected in a million years. He told me that he would be happy to be my regular doctor, told me that my blood pressure was quite normal (something I assumed was also horrible) and told me that he would work with me to improve my health. To be honest, it's like this weight has been lifted from my shoulders and as melodramatic as it sounds, gave me a bit more purpose in life and a reason to clean up my unhealthy ways. I feel like a new person but more importantly, I feel that this is all stuff that I'm going to stick with because I'm starting to feel a bit more self worth than I have in a long time. Matthew is pretty excited and very supportive. He assures me that we are in this together and his support is going to make things easier. We haven't had fast food in over a week, and have actually been watching calories and fat and cooking healthy stuff.
Life is pretty good at the moment. |
|
|
| Home again |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|07:43 pm] |
Well, we are finally completely moved into our new abode. Actually, we have been for a week now. We never could have done it without the help of our friends so a quick shout out to Theresa, Ken, Kevy, Susan, Christie, Heidi, and Tom. We so appreciated your help and it made things so much easier. I literally don't know what we would have done without you.
It is starting to seem like home now. With the exception of a few pictures that still need to be hung and a hell of a lot of laundry to get caught up on, everything has pretty much been put away. We are loving the fact that I can be to my office in 5 minutes and Matthew can walk to and from work. We are already seeing a major savings in gas.
We also just picked up our new Disneyland passes and have used them twice so far. It was SO weird not having them for a couple of months and we breathed a sigh of relief when we finally walked in the park again, knowing that we have a whole 'nother year of of the place. While the prices are steep, we look at it as a years worth of entertainment...and therapy. :) We always know that if life gets us down, we are just a short drive away from a reprieve. The funny thing is, we are exactly 33 miles from the park now. That seemed like an appropriate Disney number.
Now, we just have to work hard to pay for this place. This is a notoriously slow time for my business and I need to find some part time work that will suppliment things. Luckily, there have been a lot of gigs popping up over the last week and I'm booked every weekend this month. That will definitely help. I'm also checking the job boards every day and if something enticing enough pops up, I may just close the damn business and put it behind me. I really would like to find something that allows me to do something positive for the community. I've been checking into school districts, non-profit organizations, and charities. I think that I would feel a little better spiritually if my job each day made a difference in someone's life. I've done the corporate America thing for long enough and while it can be lucrative, it would be so nice if there was something more there.
Anywho, that's what has been going on. :) Hope to see you all soon. |
|
|
| Oh yeah, I have a live journal. Almost forgot :) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|01:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
Oh, what a month it has been. Those who have followed our lives in the past know that we seem to have been jinxed with crisis after crisis. There were health scares, roommate issues, financial issues, pretty much anything you can imagine. This month seemed to be the worst though. Not only did our roommate commit suicide, which still weighs heavily on us, but it forced us to find a new place to live. We only had less than two weeks to accomplish this and it was a nightmare.
The last week has been insane. I have no idea how many phone calls I have made, how many resources I checked daily, it is still such a blur. We found many places that nobody would ever want to live at and far fewer that were suitable for us. Every time we found a place we liked, someone else would get approved before us or they would deny us due to my past credit issues. As the days moved forward, our stress increased. I literally woke up at 2:30 this morning and was having a major panic attack. I couldn't stay in bed and found myself pacing for four hours before Matthew got up. All I could think of was how close we were to becoming homeless. It is something that I hope I never have to experience again.
This morning, we found a place that we fell in love with. It is about $200 a month more that our budget allows but we figured we should at least see if we could qualify. I really didn't think we would. Still, we had to try. Matthew can actually walk to work from this location and it is less than a mile from my business. It is in a beautiful complex that has streams and waterfalls and we fell in love with it. It is also within walking distance of a Ralph's, a Trader Joe's, a movie theater, and about 15 places to eat. The only downside is the price but I think we can (barely) swing it.
Anyway, I just got a call a few minutes ago that we have been approved! At this point, I can explore other options because I still have 72 hours to back out if we find something better. This news, that we at least have a place to go to, has probably dropped my blood pressure by half. Even though we had been denied at two places, this place said our credit was absolutely fine. Strange.
So now, I have a whole new list of logistical issues. Have to rent a truck, get boxes, and go through the whole move bullshit. I think it is the thing I despise most in the world. At least though, we no longer will have to deal with roommate issues. It's sink or swim but we will make it happen. I swear that as long as we bring our financial situation up to snuff, I will never move again until we are ready to buy something. The next 5 days will be absolute hell but once it is over, we will be very happy campers. Probably broke, but happy. :) |
|
|
| Things are looking up indeed |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|02:39 pm] |
Wow, so much has happened in the last few days....where to start?
If anyone recalls, I recently posted about a trying to get a sales position at this company that I have really wanted to work for. I got an initial interview with them over a month ago and it went well enough that they told me they would be calling for a second interview in the near future. After a week or so, I hadn't heard anything and contacted them but got no response. I repeated this over the next couple of weeks and just got tentative "we haven't forgotten about you" replies.
Well, by last Monday, I had pretty much written it off. I figured if they were truly interested, I would have heard something. I hadn't called for a week or two and they hadn't either. I decided to give one more call and then forget about it and move on. I'm glad I made that call. They told me that they were still very interested and would call in a couple of days to set up a 2nd interview. So, today was the day. I sat down with them and had a very positive meeting with them. They like my qualifications and drive and said that I had a very good reputation in the industry. They had apparently been doing their homework. Basically, I am one of 6 people they are considering out of 170 applicants. There are two positions to fill, so I figure I have at least a 33% chance of getting the job, although they flat-out told me that I was one of the best prospects they had seen. I really really want this. It will be a lot of hard of work but I stand to make about 3 times what I am making now, with full benefits and a very nice vacation package. Most importantly, it will give Matthew and I a chance at reaching our goals and not just always playing catch up.
Speaking of Matthew, he had an awesome evening last night. He has been working at his new retail job for about 5 weeks and last night, they gave him the "sales associate of the month" award. They told him that they had never given that to anyone after their first month of work. He was ecstatic. They gave him a plaque, a gift certificate, a pin, and some other cool stuff. I can't even begin to say how proud I am of him. At his last job, he had his self-confidence practically destroyed because they expected him to do all kinds of things that he wasn't hired for and wasn't trained for. It was a losing battle that he really took personally. Now, a mere two months later and he has found something that not only does he excel in, but that he absolutely loves. He can't wait to go to work each day and says that it's so much fun, he can't believe he gets paid for it. So, congratulations sweetie, you are doing so awesome and I couldn't be happier for you.
Lastly, I am playing tons of music lately. Besides my new project, the Grateful Dead tribute band, I am also starting to play a lot more in our Jazz/Hawiian/Classic Rock band. And after so many years of doing private functions, we are finally doing a gig that I can invite people to. So, if anyone is interested, here is the info. We would love to see anyone there that can make it. We play jazz standards from the 30's and 40's, along with some classic hawiian music and a little rock and roll to mix things up. If any of you can make it, we would love to see you there!
Grand Opening Friday Aug.5th
7:00-10:00PM
Dulce Vita Restorante
22741 Lambert St.
Lake Forest,CA. 92630
(corner of Lake Forest and Lambert off the 405/5
)
Ph:949.472.2272 |
|
|
| I think I just became a deadhead |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|12:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Grateful Dead | ] |
A few weeks ago, I answered an ad for a band looking for a keyboard player. The line about "extensive gigging" caught my attention since the band I currently play in only plays a couple of times a month. I've been hungry to play more and this seemed like an interesting prospect. Upon talking to the leader of the group, I determined that these guys are local, seasoned pros, with a high level of musicianship. They do an average of 10-20 GOOD PAYING gigs a month. "Perfect", I thought. The only hitch is that they are a Grateful Dead tribute band and I haven't spent more than an hour listening to the Dead my entire life. I then though of a close friend of mine that I went to music school with named Jimmy Herring. He just happens to be the new guitarist in the real Grateful Dead, now simply called "The Dead". Now, he is a jazz-based player like myself and I thought "Well, if he is having such a good time, maybe there is something to this music that I should check out.
So I learned 7 songs over the last two days and I'm really liking the material. Tonight, I went and did an audition with the leader and got the gig! :) Really nice guy and a really good player with a great voice. So I'm pretty jazzed. I'm also going to be plunging deep into the Grateful Dead catalog. I have a feeling it is all I'm going to be listening to for the next weeks at least. I have another 163 songs to learn. (No, that wasn't a typo.) Like I said though, I've been getting into the music I've heard so far. Lots of piano and Hammond Organ, lots of improvisational playing, and some very unpredictable material that is going to really keep me on my toes. In other words, a challenge. With the band I currently play with, I could play the material with my eyes closed. We've been doing the same songs for 10 years. Now, I have something that I will actually have to work for and I couldn't be happier. :) |
|
|
| Opportunities |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|03:30 pm] |
I took a big step today towards my future.
I've been toying with the idea of shutting down my company. I just don't see the growth potential anymore. Right now, we are barely getting by and to be honest, I'm really tired of "barely getting by". I'm tired of the stress of owning a business and the instability. Too many nights of tossing and turning, too many days of sweating as I wait for a check to come in the mail. Too many calls from bill collectors. Some people thrive in this environment but I have to be honest and realize that I am not one of them. I prefer knowing that I will get a paycheck each week and knowing how much it will be so that I can have a semblance of a budget. I haven't had that luxury in far too long. Matthew and I deserve better than this. We deserve a relationship that isn't constantly under tremendous financial pressure. Sure, there are obvious perks to being your own boss, and I've enjoyed them but I would trade it all just to be able to have a job where I can go in each day, work my ass off, and be compensated fairly for it. Today I took a first step.
I was searching the job finders online over the weekend. Much to my surprise, I saw one of my customers had placed an ad. This particular company is one that I have kept my eye on for some time. They have been around a long time and continue to grow substantially. I've done business with them for about 5 years and know the owner pretty well. So I called today and asked him if we could meet for a few minutes. I went in and explained my situation and how I felt I could benefit his company, were I to have a job there. He seemed pretty receptive and intrigued by the idea and called in his sales manager to meet with me. We also discussed other areas where I felt I could benefit his company besides just doing sales. When he introduced me to the Sales Manager, he said "This is Eric. I've known him for a long time and he brings a lot of experience and knowledge to the table. I think we might be able to benefit from having him work for us." I thought that was a pretty strong introduction. Later, as I was leaving, the owner told me that he wants to talk to his sons, who both run the day to day operations and discuss the situation. He told me he would set up a second interview in the next day or two.
I am trying to not get my hopes up too much here. I have a solid resume, lots of experience, and a good reputation with them, so those are all plusses. Still, I know that anything can happen. I guess I am just going to go pace for a couple of days and see what happens. Wish me luck. |
|
|
| A turn for the better |
[May. 27th, 2005|11:38 pm] |
Well, after another tough week things are starting to look up. Considering how badly it started, I can't believe how things are falling into place.
First, Matthew was fired on Tuesday which wasn't totally unexpected. The job required learning a lot of information in a very short period of time and his boss wasn't very good at teaching this knowledge, yet expected him to grasp it all within a couple of weeks. Matthew tried hard but the job was a lot more technical than the "general office duties" that he was supposedly hired to perform. He was mostly upset that they didn't give him more of a chance to improve, choosing to fire him rather than give him a fighting chance at success. Oh well, a learning experience to be sure but the extra income sure helped and it will be missed. He applied a couple of days ago for a job that is a much better fit for him and we are still hopeful that he may get it, although we were hoping to hear something today. If that doesn't pan out, we will keep searching.
Luckily, my business has been very busy so Matthew's hiatus has proven to be a good thing. I can really use his help down there right now and the quicker we are able to turn product around, the better. We can't assume that it will stay this busy however and he is once again on the job hunt. In the meantime though, we are doing ok.
The other big obstacle that has been the source of much worry is the situation of having to move in 5 weeks. Especially with his recent job loss, we really were worried. Moving out and covering the extra expenses of living on our own was something that we weren't quite sure how to overcome. As luck would have it though, Matthew met someone who is looking for a temporary place to live, for about 6 months. He needs to move in somewhere and we have a roommate that wants to move out, and the best part is that the schedules match. I met the new guy today and he seems very nice and professional. I think he is someone that we will be comfortable sharing a place with for the next six months. Meanwhile, we can save and better prepare ourselves to get our own place when the time comes. Having some breathing room to prepare will relieve so much stress. We should know in the next day or two whether all the logistics will work out but it is looking good so far.
So yeah, it started kind of rocky and there were some definite disappointments this week, but as they say, sometimes some doors need to close before new ones open. That is how it feels right now, like we are moving on to a new stage in our lives and that better days are ahead. It is by far the most optimistic we have felt in a while and has vastly improved our overall attitudes.
It has also inspired me to get back on track with this business idea that I have been contemplating for some time. I have what I think is a unique idea for teaching music to kids. I've wanted to develop the idea for opening a music school for quite some time and yet, the stresses of life have it made it so hard to keep my focus and progress has been slow. With things starting to calm down though, I have found new inspiration and I've been able to get a lot accomplished on my business plan. I've had tons of new ideas flowing out and I'm just trying to capture them all as they reveal themselves. If we can eventually realize this dream, it will be something that I think will bring a lot of fulfillment to my life. I can feel like I am contributing something to society and not just trying to make a buck. The prospect of being able to spend my days sharing my love of music is something that wouldn't seem like work. For the first time, I feel like I am really moving toward a goal that I believe in. It's a nice feeling. |
|
|
| Update |
[May. 12th, 2005|04:58 pm] |
Well, there is some good news.
The doctor cut his dosage in half for the medication. He also prescribed a sleeping pill to help him sleep at night, which worked quite well last night. He woke up this morning, a little nauseaus still but not throwing up. He's also still a bit weak from not being able to eat to much this last week. He had some breakfast and made it to work though. That is a big step forward. The doctor told us that the nausea usually only lasts about a week with this medication so that should improve with time. Of course, the anti-depressant aspect of the medication doesn't really kick in for 2-4 weeks! So we really won't know how well the medication is actually working for a while still.
I'm hoping that his job will be understanding of what he has been going through. He hasn't been there that long and to be out for 3 days isn't something that they were thrilled about, I would imagine. Fingers crossed. Still, the most important thing is that he is feeling better and can work again. We'll take what ever good news we can get at this point. |
|
|
| Some times, I tell ya... |
[May. 10th, 2005|12:07 pm] |
It seems like I only post in this thing when life has me down. I guess I do it for theraputic purposes mainly. To those that read it, I'm sorry to be such a downer. To those that don't, I don't blame you. Everyone has their own problems and who the heck would want to read mine. Oh well, let the therapy commence...
Things had been really turning around for us. Matthew got a new job, was loving it, and even though it had a steep learning curve, was really starting to get the hang of what he was doing. My business was picking up and we were getting caught up. Things were really looking up. Then our roommate dropped the bombshell that he was moving out. We had just got to the point that we could afford this place and to hear that we were going to see our monthly expenses go up by 5 or 6 hundred dollars was enough to turn the stress on high. I have been dealing with it ok. Shit happens and you just have to take it a day at a time and look for solutions. They are out there if you look.
Matthew hasn't been coping as well. He had been dealing with health problems for the past few months, the primary one being nausea and swollen glands. We took him to the doctor a few times and the tried antibiotics which didn't help. On Friday, we went back and the doctor told us that he suspects that Matthew suffers from depression. This wasn't a big surprise as Matthew has been pretty depressed and it runs in his family. The doctor ordered a number of tests to be safe, which cost an arm and a leg (no health insurance) and prescribed an anti-depressant called Cymbalta. He told us that it was a promising new drug that had only one side effect in a small number of people...nausea. Well, Matthew was already nauseaus but we were pretty relieved that the doctor didn't feel that it was something more serious. That night, after the doctor visit, Matthew's spirits were really high. He ate a huge meal (something he hadn't done in a while) and we had a very nice evening. We were both relieved and happy.
About 3 in the morning, Matthew woke up and got sick. We didn't know if it was from the medication or the large meal. Saturday, he rested a bit and felt better. He ate pretty well saturday night and kept everything down. Said he didn't feel nauseaus. We figured that maybe it wasn't the medication after all. We went to Disneyland on Sunday, had a wonderful time and he felt great. Our spirits were both lifted by this and we felt good. Early Monday morning, he got very sick to his stomach and has hardly been able to keep food down since. He ended up taking yesterday and today off of work, which has us both fearful for the security of his job. They have been understanding but he just hasn't been there very long and you never know what they are thinking. This adds stress to an already stressful situation. He is worried about his job, about the nausea, about the bills, about everything and it just seems getting worse. We are waiting for the doctor to call back so we can find out whether he should stop the medication or not. The neausea may be unrelated because he was nauseous before. But it is a catch 22. Is the stress causing this, (in which, the pills might actually help) or are the pills making things worse.
Meanwhile, I feel helpless to help him and the damn depression is starting to get contageous. I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything as well. We can't afford for him to lose his job and the stress is building about the move. We have about 6 weeks to find a place that we probably can't afford. I'm going to have to probably find a second job regardless and then we aren't going to see much of each other. He was planning on starting college in a few weeks, taking enough evening classes so that he could get on his dads health insurance. The way things are going though, it doesn't look like he can handle the extra pressure. We are having a hard time paying for the doctor visits and tests and this won't help.
I know things will get better. I know there is a solution in all of this somewhere. I just don't know where it is yet. My priority is getting him feeling better and yet I don't know how to do that either. This is probably the most dire situation I've ever been in and I'm afraid it is going to get worse before it gets better. I just don't know what to do anymore. |
|
|
| Just dropping by... |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|09:24 pm] |
Hmm, I haven't posted in a while. See what happens when real life gets busy? Where to start, where to start.
Well, first of all, things have been pretty good lately. My business has been very busy this month and that is definitely a good thing. I did some things this month to lower the overhead considerably and that, combined with the extra work has really taken some pressure off. Plus, Matthew is working so we have that income as well. He is really enjoying his new job and I'm really proud of him for how hard he has been working. We have made a lot of progress this month and it feels good.
Of course, there always has to be a hitch. Our roommate informed us that he is thinking of moving out at the end of June. Since it is doubtful that we could find a suitable roommate, our only other option is to try to find our own place. That is going to cost a lot more money and at a time that we are just starting to get dug out of a hole. This news came as a shock and it is disappointing that it is going to slow our progress significantly. I'm going to approach him and see if it is something he would consider putting off for 6 months. I feel that we would be in a much better position to absorb the costs than we are now. That is a longshot though. I really really hate moving and am not looking forward to all of the bullshit associated with finding a new place, then moving all of our accumulated crap there. Ugh! Enough about that!
Had to turn down Angel tickets for today, good ones too, due to an extremely busy schedule. I'm so jonesing for a baseball game. I'd rather see the Dodgers though. I'm pretty surprised at how they are playing and see a trip to Chevez Ravine in the near future.
We did, however, get a special treat last week when we got to go to our first lacrosse game at the Anaheim Pond. It was far more enjoyable than I expected and a little more brutal than I anticipated. I wasn't expecting the players to be so liberal in their beating each other with the sticks. I apparently like to see people beat each other with sticks, at least in a sport. It must be a primative instinct that I hadn't tapped into before. All in all, it was quick-paced, entertaining, and a cool new experience. Thanks to our friends who were so nice to invite us.
Next Tuesday is Matthews birthday. The big 21! I'm going to cook for his family and we are going to hit the park (and the Uva bar) as soon as we get a chance. We really miss Disneyland. We haven't been there in almost a month and it feels like it's been a year. We used to have the ability to do weekday trips on occasion but not anymore. Then the weekend comes and we are so damn busy getting all of the stuff done that we procrastinated on all week, that when we do get some free time. We tend to just want to spend it relaxing and cuddling. It's been interesting adjusting to all of the changes lately but we are figuring it all out.
Ok, rambled enough... |
|
|
| Changes are coming |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|04:59 pm] |
I've posted this elsewhere but it bears repeating.
After a lot of thought, I've decided to become a republican. For many years I've deluded myself into thinking things like "war is bad" and "helping those less fortunate is good" I realize now that the best way to help others is through faith-based initiatives. I also realize now that we had no other choice but to go to war and kill all those brown skins. They, innocent as they may have seemed, asked for it. I realize that we MUST start drilling in Alaska and that the little creatures that might perish never really did anything for me. They sure never made me any money. And that is what life is about, mo money!
I will be getting an SUV next week and try to start voluteering for the cause. I have many new role models to look up to such as Tom Delay, Rick Sanitorum, Bill Frist, etc. These are great men that are looking out for me, the little guy. I'm denouncing my homosexuality and am going to find a nice Christian girl to marry. And if she ever goes into a persistent vegitative state, she is SOL. She will live whether she wants to or not. I will speak out against activist judges who make rulings I disagree with and I will know who they are because Fox News and worlddailynet.com will tell me.
God bless President Bush and his United States of America. I hope all of you liberal, terrorist-loving, baby-killing, communists die a horrible death before you ruin what we are trying to make this country into. Take your constitution and shove it. |
|
|
| Getting better |
[Mar. 25th, 2005|07:49 am] |
Well, this week is almost over and although it had a few ups and downs, ultimately it was a good week. Matthew is doing well at his job, adjusting to the schedule, and I think he is already growing from the experience. We are also learning that it is not quantity of time you have together but quality. We've really tried to make the most of every moment that we have together now. We are doing a lot more cuddling and a lot more talking. We used to get home from working together and each of us would go to our respective computers and say very little to each other. We like to share more of our time now, which is good.
My business is getting busier and I'm in the process of taking some steps to dramatically reduce our overhead. Bottom line is that I am going to be much busier than before but I think it is all going to be worth it. Between Matthew's income and my own, I think that we are going to stabilize our situation pretty quickly. Oh, we still have some digging to do, but it is easier when you see that you are making substantial progress.
Our only concerns right now are that Matthew's glands are still swollen. His doctor gave him another supply of antibiotics so we'll just have to wait and see if they work. If not, he has to go in for bloodwork and other tests and those could get expensive. He won't have health insurance until September so we are a bit nervous about this. Still, we are just trying to have some faith that the meds will work and that other stuff won't be necessary.
All in all though, not a bad week. :) Been a while since I've been able to say that. |
|
|
| Dumb post of the day |
[Mar. 21st, 2005|07:47 am] |
Today is a strange day. Matthew started a new job this morning and it feels really strange. He move in with me about a year and a half ago, and for all of that time has worked for my company. It is going to be strange being there by myself today. Not that I can't handle the work but as he was my only employee, it was always nice to have someone to talk to there. I'm really going to miss his help and the people that hired him are really going to have an asset.
The dumb thing is that I already miss him. Most would probably say that we spend too much time together and I'm sure this is much healthier for the relationship. We will value the time we have together more now. Still, the house seems empty and strange right now. Also, with all of the turmoil we have been through lately, we leaned on each other a lot in the course of a day. I know this is all for the best and is going to provide immediate relief to our financial situation. All in all, it is a good thing. He gets some independence, some new work experience, and will learn some valuable lessons about working for people who aren't in love with you. ;) I know he will do great and I'm very proud of him.
Still, it's going to take some getting used to. Sigh... |
|
|
| Very mixed emotions |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|08:56 am] |
Well, things have been getting better for us. Financial strains are slowly easing up. Matthew got a new job and he starts on Monday. I'm so proud of him and he is really looking forward to it. Having two incomes will help us a great deal. It also looks like I may be able to keep my business going by scaling down our operation. The landlord is very receptive to working with me and if things go as planned, we will lower our overhead by two-thirds and that should make things much easier. I am also devising a way to get my "business partner" completely out of the picture. Already, the money is now under my sole control. He can no longer touch it. I am going to make him an offer to let me take the equipment I need to keep things going, in leue of him paying back the money he stole from the company. It's a fair deal and if he goes for it, I will have sole control of what goes on, not having to answer to anyone but myself. Under those circumstances, I think I can make this work.
So, we should be dancing for joy over these new revalations and celebrating but we are not.
Matthew has been feeling quite poorly lately. He discovered a small lump on the back of his neck and the glands on that side of his neck have become very swollen and painful. He has also noticed that his hearing is being affected on that side. He has been suffering from severe nausea and insomnia, which may or may not be stress related. Logically, we both know that this could caused by a number of things that are not life-threatening. We are still both very very scared. He has an appointment with a doctor this morning and we are hoping we will have some answers soon.
I am trying to keep very strong for him because I know how scared he is and I know that I need to keep his spirits up. I do pretty well and then break down when he is not around. There is nobody in this world that means more to me than him. I gave him something to help him sleep last night and for the first time in a while, he got a good nights sleep. I did not. I stayed up, held him and cried. I lost someone very close to me to cancer about 10 years ago and all of those emotions and fears have come back with a vengeance. I'm very releived that he is seeing a doctor today but also very scared at what they might find. I just don't know how I will be able to deal with this if it turns out to be serious. The thought of losing him is something that I cannot bear to think about.
I know this all may very well be major over-reaction on both of our parts. We are both so tired and stressed out that it is difficult to think clearly. I keep telling him that he probably caught a hint of what I was sick with and that this is probably a virus. But I cannot find the words to say that give him any comfort. He is just so scared. Each day has been a fighting battle to keep food down with him. He is the type of person that if anything worries him, it manifests iself through nausea. Same with not sleeping. So I know that these may not be symptoms at all but simply effects of the stress. I also know that in 60 days, he will have full health coverage and we will have the resources to do whatever is necessary. Today however, we have to pay for the visit and any tests that they might require. His parents are giving us the money for this so we can afford some limited care right now. I'm very grateful for that. I just want to know that he is going to be ok. That's all I want right now. All of the financial burdens mean zero to me right now. I don't care if we are poor, all I know is that he is the most wonderful, loving, person that I have ever encountered and that this relationship mean more to me than anything in this world. I need to know that he is going to be ok. I love him so much and nobody has ever loved me like he does. We are so wonderful for each other and this just isn't fair.
Please, to all of my friends that may read this, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. I will post again when we have a better idea of what is going on. |
|
|
| The absence of MBC |
[Mar. 11th, 2005|09:23 pm] |
Well, I just thought I would give a little update as I haven't really been posting much, either here or on the boards.
Our financial problems aren't really much better but slowly, I think we are moving in the right direction towards solving them. I'm trying to find a job that will allow me to still somewhat handle affairs at my company. The goal is to get as much money in this month as possible so that we can be square with the landlord there. He is a real decent guy and I don't want to cause him any problems. There are still a couple of jobs in the wings and if they come through, we can end this cleanly. That would make me very happy. Matthew has a job interview on Monday morning and just from the phone conversations he has had, it seems that they really like him. It's a general office position for a small tile company and they really liked that he had an interest in interior design. We are hopeful.
My biggest hurdle right now is that I am about as sick as I think I ever have been. I've been running a high fever all week, with a sore throat, and diarrhea. I've also been quite nauseaus, although not really throwing up, other than once. The biggest problem though is that I haven't been able to sleep. I don't know if it is just the stress from everything but I go to bed at like 7 or 8 pm with the intention to try to rest and toss and turn until 3 in the morning. Then, I finally fall asleep and the alarm goes off. It's been really frustrating. I'm either chilled to the bone or sweating profusely, neither of which helps me sleep. This has been going on since last Sunday and it is really annoying. The one thing I have been doing is drinking as much fluids as I possibly can. I know that with the sweating and diarrhea, it is an absolute must. I'm so tired of liquids. Not so much of the solid foods. Mostly fruit and soup. Although today, I had 2 tacos and half a tostada and everything stayed down. An encouraging sign, I feel. :)
Now, for a mini-rant that has really been bugging me. What the hell did they do to NyQuil? No so long ago, it seemed that if you took a shot of this magical substance, you were down for count in no time. You would wake up hours later and be like "What the hell happened?" We used to lovingly refer to it as a Nyquil coma. Now, it seems that it doesn't even make me sleepy, just a little foggy, if anything. I know that years ago, the alcohol content was something like 35%, then they dropped it to 25%, and now it is a measely 10%. I would assume that this has something to do with the recently realized dangers of mixing alcohol with acetominophen. Very bad for the liver and I understand that they probably realized that it wasn't smart to be mixing them in an over-the-counter drug. But DAMN. At least the stuff used to work. Granted, it does break the fever and such. But I need sleep, dammit! Anyone out there have any old-school Nyquil stashed away? ;) |
|
|
| Ugh to the max |
[Mar. 4th, 2005|04:13 pm] |
Ok, you know what? I'm going to start with a disclaimer. This post is going to be pretty negative. Stop yourself right now if you don't want to read a rant. I'm doing this more for theraputic value than in the spirit of sharing and don't want anyone who isn't in the mood to have to suffer. Thanks. :)
Today started out perfectly. It started after the first good nights sleep I have had in weeks. Why had my sleeping habits been disrupted? Well, because my business is still sucking, I can't find anything better to go to, and I have been going crazy over where my rent and car payment were going to materialize.
My uncle had called me about a month ago to chat and asked how I was doing. I told him "Not too well" and explained what was going on. He said to me "Eric, we are doing pretty good right now and, ya know, your dad helped us out a lot when we were struggling many years ago. If you need any help, just call". Ok, well I didn't want to call. I despise borrowing money from people and just didn't want to impose. So I waited a couple of weeks to see if things would turn around. They didn't. Finally I knew that things were getting serious so I called him and left a message. He left a message back saying he would get back to me as soon as he had a chance to talk to his wife. Said he was really busy but it should only be a day or two. A week later, I still haven't heard from him so I leave a message. No response. Another. No response. Finally get a hold of him on the 1st (The day the rent is due) and he says "Oh, I've been meaning to call you. Things have been costing more than we anticipated. Sorry, but we can't help at all."
Ok, I'm a little upset that it took so long to get this info but, then again, I also know what it is like to be struggling. If he doesn't have it, he doesn't have it. I still believe that he would have helped if he could.
So immediately after that, I exercised my only other option. I called my dad. This is the last thing in the world I wanted to do. He is a kind, fair man but he has his own problems. Still, I called. He proceeded to jump through hoops, borrowing the money himself, to help me out. I'm still in awe that he pulled it off. It isn't that he is poor, mind you. It's just that for the first time since my mom died, he is piecing his life back together, finding happiness again, and had just had a home built in Missouri, where he works. The house was very difficult to afford but so important to him. He lad lived in apartments and with relatives for the past 7 years after my mom died. Her illness left him with 300K in medical bills and he lost everything. So, here he is, at the biggest peak he has been at in 10 years, struggling to build a dream, and then... I call. And he comes through like a night in shining armour.
So, dad comes through. Money is in my account last night. I go to bed and actually restfully sleep for the first time in weeks. It felt so good. I woke up this morning in a great mood. Refreshed and full of hope. We were actually going to pay our rent on time and my car payment would be made and life was good. Then I got a call saying that a customer was sending over a decent-sized order. Man, I'm finally starting to feel better. Right on!
So, I give my roommate a check for the rent. He goes and deposits it. I had to write the check from my business account because my personal account was overdrawn due to Netflix. So I go deposit the money in the business account and ask for my balance. After depositing everything my dad sent, I asked for my balance. Hmm, it was overdrawn by $200, including the deposit I just made. I knew that I had about $500 in the account, last I checked. So they printed a statement for the last 30 days and low and behold, there is a $900 withdrawal from 2 weeks ago that I didn't make. So I call the branch and they tell my it was made at the branch in the town that my business partner lives in. I call him and it turns out that he took out the money, never told me, and the bank tacked on $300 in penalties.
Basically everything that my father loaned me just got taken away by the bank to cover what my "partner" did. Now, he is a silent partner. I don't talk to him much. But I had tried calling him for the last 3 weeks and he didn't return my calls. Now I know why. We had always had a firm agreement that he would never take money out of the account without me knowing about it. He had always kept his word and I always trusted him. See, the account is in his name and he gets the statements, not me. For me to keep my records accurate, I have to know everything. I assumed everything was fine.
This time he didn't call though. I talked to him today and he apologized saying he had lost my number. I don't buy it. He said he had an emergency that came up and needed the money. Said he was struggling right now and couldn't put the money back for a few weeks.
So here I sit tonight, at the end of what started as a perfect day. All of my dad's help was for naught. There is a possibility that the rent check will still clear. Other checks apparently have since the account became overdrawn. I'm hopeful that by some miracle, the check will clear. But I'm pretty much screwed regardlessly. My dad, after hearing the news, has insisted on "seeing what he can do", even though I know that he can't and I feel horrible that he is even trying. I do have some money coming in soon so that will help us but it's going to be damn tight and may not happen in time to save the car. On top of it all, I have to close the business now. I can't have a partner that I can't trust and I need to find employment. I can't deal with the stress of running my own business anymore, even if were salvageable. I figure I have a month.
So tonight, what started so lovely has ended with more stressed than I have been. I feel like I'm paying for some seriously bad karma somehow. I'm fighting, and believing, and never giving up, and rah rah rah, but it seems that for every step forward I take, I take 3 back. I can't live this way.
Tonight, there is little I can do though. I am opening up a bottle of merlot and I'm going to drink a bit of it. I'm going to post with my friends and I'm going to somehow force myself to relax. I can't do anything until tomorrow, nor do I want to. I just want to give myself a window of ignorant bliss for the evening. Then I'll start trying to fix this mess.
If you read this far, "wow" is all I can say. Thank you for caring enough to. |
|
|
| So much for getting stuff done. |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|05:52 pm] |
This was going to be a really productive day. It really was. The plan was to get up early, get to the office, and get caught up on a bunch of paperwork. It sounded like a such great idea last night.
I accomplished the first part, getting up early. At 6:30 I was wide awake but the minute I looked outside, I lost all motivation. For one thing, it never got light out. In fact, at 10am, it still looked like early evening. The deciding factor though was that it was cold, very windy, and the rain was coming down in buckets. Plus, for good measure, the news specifically mentioned that if you didn't have to be out in the storm, you should stay home. I sat and pondered about the course the day should take. I realized that none of my clients are open today, and that there was no reason why I absolutely had to subject myself to the elements. I made a nice pot of Peet's coffee, put on some sweats, and surfed the web. I let Matthew sleep in, knowing that, in a few days, he may be working full time at a new job and have to rise very early each day. I figured "Let him sleep".
When he awoke around 10:30, we bundled up and headed out to Trader Joe's and the supermarket to get ingredients for beef stew, a crusty loaf of bread, a bottle of wine, and a couple of fireplace logs. Coming home, our roommate (who has mondays off) was busy making california rolls in the kitchen. We had a few for a light lunch, got the fire going and have been watching the rain come and go all day.
The best part of the day appears to be right now however. I have a big pot of beef stew on the stove and the smell is permeating through the entire house. We are all salivating in anticpation. I have a nice glass of 2 buck chuck Pinot Noir next to me and as I type, the rain continues to fall. I'm very relaxed and content.
I could be beating myself up over the loss of productivity but I think not. This has been such a peaceful perfect day and those have been a rarity lately. The work will still get done. I stand by my decision this morning and feel that my blood pressure is just bit lower for having done so. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mboatcruiser's journal